Steven Spielburg. God among men.
War Horse. God among stage plays.

How could a combination of the two be bad? Take a seat on Uncle Chris' knee and he'll tell you all about it.

War Horse is a film based on a play based on a book, which has been adapted and directed by Steven Spielburg. The story goes that a poor farmer buys a fancy horse at the market, and his son takes the challenge of training this fancy "thoroughbred" to plough the fields. Of course, he's successful, and falls wildly in love with the horse. Then the horse is called away to war and then is involved in a charge and then escapes and then meets some German soldiers and then escapes and then meets a French girl and then escapes and then meets some more German soldiers and then escapes and then meets some barbed wire and then escapes and then meets some British soldiers and then finally is reunited with his young male sweetheart from all the way at the start. Aww.

Now, considering the dark nature of the book, when I saw that the film had a 12a certificate, I face palmed. However, the war parts of the film are very well done. We know that Mr Spielburg is the Joseph Goebbels of war films after his masterpiece Saving Private Ryan, and he brings that same atmosphere to the table here, albeit a little more child friendly(as child friendly as World War 1 can be).

However, this film is essentially divided into two parts, and then these parts are jumbled together. The first part (the good part) is about the war. The other half is about various people falling in love with the horse throughout its journey. This is the most saccharin, cheesy nonsense I've seen in a film for a while. People fall in love with the horse very easily, and this includes other horses. The most annoying way in which the film is ruined because of this, is that the horse is personified in completely ridiculous ways, like the horses gloating to each other after a race, and one horse jumping in front of a gun to protect another horse. Horses don't do that kind of thing, so unless that was actually Sarah Jessica Parker, please stop it.

There are also two story lines with some young German soldiers and a young French girl, where the horse ends up temporarily in their company. These story lines are pointless, are over too quickly to add anything of value, and considering the film runs at almost two and a half hours, would have benefited from being cut.

At a more fundamental level, I think I might have bought into the soppy side of the story more if it seemed like the horse was desperately trying to get back to his original owner. I know that contradicts what I said before about how horses shouldn't act like people, but if you're going the cheese route, the least you can do is fully commit to it. Throughout the film, the horse just seems to be getting on with it, and doesn't really give a shit who's side it's on. I suppose it's like Switzerland in that sense.

Overall, it's a very well made film, which can only lead me to believe that Spielburg was misguided about how to do the film, and instead of ending up with a brilliant war drama, we have the shiniest turd in the land.

The Artist is a silent film, which, ironically, is causing a quite a stir this award season. Silent film was of course big back in a time when almost inexplicably every film was from the perspective of a deaf person. This was an advance over the previous generation of films exclusively from the perspective of a blind person, or "radio", but there's still something not quite there. That's right, I just ranked disabilities.

The Artist follows the story of George Valentin, the world's biggest silent film star, out-shined only by his dog. One day he bumps into a young female fan, and they appear in the newspaper together. This inspires young Peppy to become an actress, and she does just that. As Peppy is making a name for herself, George finds himself being cut from the studio due to the dawn of the "talkies" demanding new faces. George spirals into depression, and Peppy takes his place at the top. But Peppy is a nice girl and remembers what George did for her, and just as he's about to hit rock bottom, she helps him get back on his feet. Then there's dancing.

Since there is very little dialogue in the film, there's a shit-ton of music, and it's good music. It captures the mood on screen, and doesn't forget the era that it's referencing. The performances are great too. Both George and Peppy are brilliant, and it just goes to show how little words mean when you have a functioning face.

Obviously, back in the day, films were silent due to technological limitations, so The Artist is stylistically silent. Now before you silent film puritans (Any still alive?) get in a tizzy because there is sound in parts, remember the fact that it's silent by choice. It does a very good job of using the format though, by making the rare instances of sound more significant, and also using the dialogue captions to create humour and trick the audience at times.

The lack of dialogue can get frustrating, which causes the film to drag, particularly around the middle when there isn't really anything interesting happening. Where's the fun in watching a man sink into deep depression if you can't hear him cry?

Overall, I enjoyed it, despite it being dull at times. It's a nice story, sprinkled with humour, and a very well made film. I'm just happy that something so different is making it big in the mainstream.

Meanwhile, in Liverpool, cinema goers have been asking for refunds due to the lack of dialogue. Yup, that's the world we live in. A world where people are so stupid that it makes headlines, and Scousers have statutory rights.