The summer is upon us, and with it comes months and months of boredom. Here's a list of shows which you can "acquire" to try and kill some time until your life starts again.

5. Testees

If you love over-the-top gross-out humour, you'll love this gem of a show. Tragically cancelled after it's first season, the show follows the lives of two friends who make a living from medical testing; often (coincidentally once an episode) with hilarious side-effects.

4. Garth Marenghi's Darkplace


Featuring a cast of very recognisable British comedy stars, Darkplace is a spoof horror series set in a haunted hospital. The show sets out to be intentionally shit, and is brilliantly funny and original because of it.

3. Community


The only programme on the list that's actually still on air (surprising, since everything good usually gets binned), currently awaiting its third series to begin, Community follows a gang of friends as they attend a community college. The series constantly subverts convention, and is very clever, as well as hilarious. Everyone should definitely be following this show.

2. Kenny Vs Spenny


Kenny Vs Spenny is (was) a reality series which follows two best friends as they compete(d) against each other in a variety of ridiculous challenges. You will die laughing at this show. The two stars constantly deny that anything is set up, which makes some of the more unbelievable things even funnier. This show is so good in fact, that Matt Stone and Trey Parker (The creators of South Park) stepped in to produce a series. Some of the more memorable competitions include: Who Can Drink The Most Beer?, Who Can Do The Biggest Fart?, Who Can Smoke The Most Weed?, Who Can Sit On A Cow The Longest?, among many others. Go watch it now.

1. Arrested Development


The best scripted programme ever made. Fuck 'The Wire'. The show follows a rich family, plunged into chaos as their property company is suspected of illegal doings. The show is amazingly cast, starring a very young Michael Cera (This is where he got that awkward teenager act he always insists on doing, except it makes sense because he's actually a teenager), David Cross, Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, among many others, including some star appearances from the likes of Ben Stiller and Zach Braff. It's astonishingly clever, so much so that you can't say you've properly watched it until you've seen it for at least the 3rd time, and every line will have you doubling over with hernia-inducing laughter. This is seriously the greatest TV show of all time.

In light of the tragic loss of Ryan Dunn, I've decided to review this; one of the only proper films he's actually been in. However, like other film reviewers, I won't be going easy due to the circumstances. Roger Ebert. Prick. Oh, I forgot to cough. Would you look at that.

Haggard stars Ryan Dunn aka Random Hero, Bam Margera, and pretty much everyone else involved in CKY, and was directed by Bam. It follows the supposedly true story of Dunn trying to move on with his life after he gets dumped by his girlfriend. And it's not serious at all.

The first big thing you'll notice is that none of them, except maybe Bam, are good actors. Some of them I would go as far as to say were piss-poor (I believe that's hyphenated). It's also not very well written, and rammed full of clichés, and just general flabbiness. Having said that, it's pretty damn funny, featuring the same kind of humour we've grown to love with Jackass. It was quite interesting to see how they integrated the humour of the stunts into a scripted film, but they manage it pretty well on the whole.

The way the film is constructed is very weird. It's identical to a CKY video, with lots of random cut-aways of time-lapse stuff, and skateboarding set to music, except instead of the meat of the film being stunts, it's a scripted story. I kind of enjoyed it, though found it hard to see the relevance of most of it, and some of the musical choices felt very out-of-place at times. I know Bam loves HIM (So much so that he adopts the name of its lead singer for his character in this film), but their music isn't as versatile as he likes to think it is.

Considering it's supposed to be a film about Dunn going through a bad time with his love life, Bam seems to be in the spotlight for most of it; something which, along with all the skateboarding cut-aways, I feel I can confidently put down to ego.

Overall, I really quite enjoyed it; though this is mostly down to me being a fan of the people involved. Shooting a film in the style of a skateboard video is quite unusual and unique, and it goes to show that amateur film-makers can do some good stuff with limited resources. I think the slap-dash approach added charm to the film and let me over-look many of the flaws.

I'm not going to say this is a good film, but it's definitely interesting and entertaining enough. If you're a fan of the CKY gang, you'll find lots more here than if you're not. It's like watching a home video; you recognise people all over the place. Don Vito looked so made up when he had two pretty, half-naked ladies sat next to him. He might have cracked a smile if his face didn't weigh so much.

Before I begin, I'd just like to apologise in advance if this review isn't up to the usual standard. I'm writing this just after watching the film and the will to live hasn't returned yet.


Sucker Punch is the story of a young girl who's framed for the murder of her sister by her step-dad and sent to a mental institution, which she decides she has to escape from, along with the other girls there, by exploring video-game-like fantasies.


Critic: Absolute pile of shit. Seriously, I've seen bad films but this was fucking atrocious. Poor acting; derivative action scenes; confusing, formulaic and quite frankly abhorrent plot; this film has huge steaming piles of them all. This is by far the worst film I've seen this year, and I watched Troll 2 this year. Apparently it's supposed to appeal to gamers, but they'll be severally disappointed since the only control they get is to press play on the DVD menu, and then be treated to a cinematic even Final Fantasy fans would have difficulty sitting through. I've tried so hard to do a proper analytical review of this film but it's impossible. It's like trying to do an autopsy on someone who fell into a wood-chipper.

That review not for you? Try one of these you weirdo.

Cynic: See above.

Moron: It appealed to me on two levels. Things moved and things also made sounds.

Child: I had a dream like this once. When I woke up my bed was sticky.

Old Timer: I'm having a stroke to this film. And not the good kind.

Conservative: I didn't like the way the brown girl was shown to be equal.

Liberal: This was great. It's amazing to see a director cast off the shackles of narrative structure and squirt his undiluted creative juices straight into our eyes.

Stoner: I missed most of it because I was trying to lure the neighbours cat into the washing machine.

Religious: Much like our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, I was crucified by this piece of shit film.

Tween: I totally couldn't make my mind up about this film. Is she Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides follows the nation's favourite fancy dress costume, Jack Sparrow, on a convoluted journey to find the fountain of youth.

I would try and summarise the story for you but I don't have a clue what happened around 2/3 of the way through. There's so much cutting between locations and changing allegiances, and especially because the film basically follows 4 different groups at the same time, that I genuinely got lost at some points, but it's basically what you would expect; A quest to get to the fountain of youth before someone else, and being all piratey on the way.

If you asked me for one word that best describes the film, it would be "Unnecessary". Every little incident in the film that can be exploited and turned into some big fight or chase scene, is, and the result is that the film trudges along at such a slow pace that it feels incredibly long. The fights also get extremely predictable because they're so often and so similar. "Oh look, they've jumped on the barrels to have a fight. Now they're on the narrow wooden beams. Now they're swinging from ropes. Now they're climbing the rigging." Who the fuck taught these people how to fight?? Do they think swords work better the higher up you are?

The dialogue in the film is really bad at times, with people spooling off large chunks of story for no other reason than the audience's benefit. This is a point addressed by Jack Sparrow towards the end. He's strolling along, talking to himself and "coincidentally" moving the plot forward as he does so, and then he stops and looks around, "Oh, there's no one there." Yes Jack, we know. And just because you've shown that you know you're taking the piss with this monologue, doesn't mean it's ok. That's like kicking someone in the balls and then going "I bet that hurts."

There's a smaller plot thread in the film which involves a young cleric lad who's never established, falling in love with a mermaid that the pirates have captured. This plot was truly pathetic. It wasn't needed; didn't add anything; and didn't even finish. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say that the studios demanded a lovey-dovey storyline at the 11th hour. And what they got was rushed bestiality. Maybe the police were coming?

To put things in context, I physically couldn't make it all the way through the second PotC film, so this has the leg up on that straight away. It's not a bad film, but it's not that great either. It's typical of a film that's had a lot of money chucked at it but there wasn't really a good idea to flesh out. You definitely don't miss the two big names that dropped out of the series (Bloom and Knightley). The only problems I found were that it moves too slowly and gets confusing at times. Apart from that, it's a good, old-fashioned, Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade knock-off.

 
In the interests of respecting the diversity of the audience, this review of Jackass 3.5 will work as follows. I'll offer up my thoughts on the film from the perspective of a film critic. This will then be followed by a variety of summations specifically catered to particular groups within society. It is in this way that I hope I can bring the population closer together and heal the problems of the world.

I have extremely high hopes for this method.

Critic: Jackass 3.5 is a half documentary, half out-takes, straight-to-DVD film, featuring unseen footage from the making of Jackass 3D; interspersed with interviews of the cast. There's really not much to say about it as far as a film goes. If you liked Jackass 3D, you'll love this. The stunts obviously aren't quite as polished as the stuff that made it into the actual film, but they're still damn funny, and if you're a fan of the Jackass series, the interviews are pretty interesting and funny too. Ultimately, it's just more Jackass; and that can't be a bad thing.


If you don't agree with the above review, try one of these alternatives. I've endeavoured to be fair and steer as clear from stereotypes as I possibly can.


Old Timer: Bunch of faggots and a midget acting like pratts.

Cynic: It's just a gang of middle-aged men acting like kids. Fucking retarded kids at that. Why is getting hit in the balls so funny? And for fuck sake, put it away lads. You'll see more cock in this film than an evening on chat roulette. Piece. Of. Shit.

Conservative: This filth should be banned! It's going to corrupt our children and make them loosen immigration policies.

Liberal: Freedom of expression at its finest. It's so refreshing to finally see a man electrocute his testicles with a rat trap on film. It translates better than I thought it would. My faith has been restored in humanity.

Moron: It was funny, but I don't think the extra half of a dimension added much. But yeah, very edgy.

Stoner: I missed most of it because I was trying to chew my way into a can of Spam.

Child: I loved it! Loads of ideas to try with my friends.

Religious: Lots of stupid shit that doesn't make sense. It spoke to me on a personal level.

Tween: There's no-one quite as hymen-quiveringly dreamy as Robert Pattinson, but Bam Margera is there, and I think the stunts are an outward display of pent-up angst. It just needs vampires.


Audience = Broadened.

Up is an animated flick from the fine folks at Pixar, about a senile old man who accidentally kidnaps a young boy as he flies his house to South America.

The film does not mess about, and chucks you right in at the deep end, to the point where I would say that it moves too quickly. This continues throughout most of the film, with things seemingly happening far too easily, and lots of happy coincidences. If you imagine a film with nice pacing is like drinking a lovely smooth cup of hot chocolate, Up is like drinking a mug of hot chocolate that hasn't been stirred properly. It's lumpy.

At the start, we're treated to a montage of a little boy and girl who meet and then grow old together. They have the kind of happy life you would expect of a Pixar film: meet as kids, fall in love, get married, get pregnant, lose the baby, have a picnic. Wait, what was that? Oh yeah, there's some really dark and adult themes in this film, which came as quite a surprise. Along with the miscarriage, there's a social commentary on old age, commercialism, and even the little boy's dad doesn't love him. There's also blood, which I found even more shocking than the miscarriage. Spontaneous abortion sounds like something Pixar might do.

While it was refreshing to see, I couldn't help but feel they didn't make the most of their new-found seriousness, though I don't know if this was because they didn't know how to, or they remembered they were supposed to be making a kids' film.

I laughed a lot when I watched this. Like most other animated films, it's very quirky. Also, like most other animated films, there's a lot of over-the-top action sequences. I'm kind of fed up with these now, as they appear in all animated films, and they aren't needed most of the time. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you have to. It just makes it very predictable.

The film looks really good, both in style and quality, though some of the physics of the whole thing don't make any sense. I personally found it quite irritating that it took so many liberties and contradicted itself on numerous occasions, though I am a big fan of gravity.

On the whole, I found the film brilliant visually, and very funny, but it just felt all too familiar. There's not really anything original here, and what little new territory it does attempt to tread, it gives up on pretty quickly. Add to that the pacing feels clunky, and you're left with an experience that's just not satisfying.

I wish that it really was about a senile old man who kidnaps a young boy and takes him to South America. Someone get Robert Rodriguez on the job. Danny Trejo can play the dog.

Finally got my bum down to the cinema again and decided to check out the latest X-Men offering. This was a decision that I wouldn't say I regret, but only because I got to visit McDonald's while I was out.

X-Men: First Class is a prequel to the series, showing the development of the relationship between Magneto and Professor Xavier, framed around the Cold War. At least that's what it's supposed to be about. It's actually about nothing.

The plot isn't that weak, but it just doesn't seem to take prominence in the film. Now you may be thinking "Well, yes, but that's because it's about the characters because they're all awesome and shit." Nope. They seem to take a back seat too, albeit not as much as the plot. Also, there's only really 3 characters in the film that actually do anything; Magneto, Xavier and Mystique. All of the others are introduced with a montage; developed with another montage; and use their ability to save everybody at some point during the finale to the sound of the standard orchestral chorus that action films love to exploit, and that's it.

The characters' powers are not well defined. They all have one obvious power, but they all seem to borrow and share and just generally break the rules of their own powers at times. Point in case: Magneto can move metal things with his powers, but at the end he just throws people around who have no metal attached to them at all.

Also, a touch of digression, but when Beast actually turns into Beast, he looks ridiculous. He's like something out of Never Ending Story, and suddenly gets a more gruff American voice. Made me laugh, but not in a good way. Like I was laughing at a disabled child.

This should have been a 15 rather than a 12A. There's so much violence in the film that just doesn't feel satisfying because it either cuts away just at the pinnacle moment, or there's no blood or anything showing that damage has been done. They take the fun out of murder.

As I mentioned before, this film is about nothing. Well, that's not strictly true. It's about tying in with the rest of the series. That's it. It does this well on the whole, though towards the end the tie-ins seem a little forced.

This is quite clearly a cash-in film. There was no reason to explore the birth of the X-Men, because, to put it bluntly, it's not that interesting. If you love X-Men, you'll probably enjoy this because you understand what it's referencing, but if you know nothing of the X-Men universe, there's nothing here for you.

One-Eyed Monster is a comedy (I hope) horror about a penis that will literally smash your back doors in, starring none other than the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy.

It follows a film crew who go to a remote mountain cabin to shoot an adult film. Ron Jeremy gets struck by a shooting star and his penis goes rogue and starts killing people. It's basically the male version of Teeth.

It's rammed full of dick jokes, and is generally pretty funny, if only because of how unashamedly crude it can be. One high point was a Vietnam vet regaling the group with a story of how he watched a disembodied cock rape his entire platoon, and how he developed a drinking problem, not from haunting memories of burning villages or shooting children, but from blowing up said penis.

The problem is that it's very poorly written, and all of the actors are stiff (lol (and the women suck (lol))). It seems to completely forget about story aspects until it's convenient to bring them back into focus. The woman who saves the surviving group and takes the cock down spends most of the film unconscious. They're also supposedly trapped on the mountain due to a snow storm, but whenever anyone goes outside, there's little more than a bit of slush on the ground. Add to that it's full of clichés and very pre-dick-table (if you don't find that funny, don't bother with the film), and you're left with something that's kind of funny but pretty hard to watch.

I would say this is one of the better bad films I've had the misfortune to see, but unless someone comes up with a good drinking game for it, don't bother.

Suspiria is a film by the man many call the master of horror; Dario Argento; though I don't quite understand how since this film makes less sense than the Elephant Man's face.

It follows the story of a young American girl who moves to Germany to attend a well renowned dance school. There she finds that people are randomly dying, and it definitely has nothing to do with cucumbers.

The film is very aesthetically pleasing; with a very interesting art style and great use of red, green, and blue lighting. This is combined with brilliant cinematography and equally good sound design. It's just a shame that the story makes less sense than the Elephant Man's face.

The film doesn't shy away from gore; as you would expect with an Argento; featuring scenes that would put Final Destination to shame (though it should already be pretty ashamed of itself); and it builds suspense extremely well. The only problem is that it all goes Elephant Man face-shaped at the end.

The hero of the film randomly meets up with an expert in the occult who tells her that the school she is attending was set up by a witch. Then she goes back and finds the room where all the witches are. Then she gets chased by the witches and stabs an invisible witch which causes the other witches to die and the building to fall apart Indiana Jones style. It's a shame because the first half of the film is very promising, and it just seems to lose focus; much like what people assume has happened to their eyes when they first see the Elephant Man.

This film is definitely only for Argento fans and people who can appreciate the technical side of things. Just like how you would show the Elephant Man to a doctor but not your mum.

The Hangover is basically what would have happened if Judd Apatow made Dude, Where's My Car?, sprinkled with little bits of Harold and Kumar. The similarities between this and Dude, Where's My Car are so great that Danny Leiner probably refers to this film as "Dude, Where's My Royalties?", and the frequency I'm going to mention it during this review merits an acronym.

The Hangover is about a group of friends who go for a stag night in Las Vegas, get completely wasted, and can't remember anything or find their friend in the morning, so have to retrace their crazy antics of the night just passed. All of the characters are very broad; There's the rebel, the geek, the weirdo, and the groom who's just flat and uninteresting but is needed to appear normal and give the whole thing a sense of realism. The "star" of the show is Alan, played by Zach Galifianakis, who is basically just a fat, bearded Will Ferrell. Hate to bring it up again, but Alan is very similar to the two main characters of DWMC, but with an added hint of "Take my strong hand".

The film never establishes the bride and groom very well, and spends the majority of the start setting stuff up for later in a very obvious way, so I personally didn't give a shit about if they found him or got back in time for the wedding, and without being invested in the main drive of the plot, it was just a series of ridiculous scenes.

The gang arrives in Vegas and they all promise to not remember the rest of the night, in what was a cringe-worthy and ultimately pointless nod to the rest of the film. Are we supposed to watch the film and then go "Hey, I just recalled that part where they all promised to not remember the rest of the night and then they didn't remember the rest of the night. HAHAHAHAHA This film just went from great to fucking amazing. Get me a new pair of pants. I came."

There's all sorts of crazy antics, including being hunted by some crazy Chinese people (Zoltan group from DWMC), owing money to the Chinese man (Transsexual from DWMC), getting their car impounded (just like in DWMC, and it even has the same woman playing basically the same role as DWMC), a crappy cameo from a famous person (Mike Tyson) (Neil Patrick Harris in Harold and Kumar) which involves taking a tiger back in a car that then happens to regain consciousness on the way (Identical to the raccoon scene from Harold and Kumar; in fact the whole big cat thing is stolen from Harold and Kumar). It even has a crappy way of tying things up in a boring scene where they win a lot of money from counting cards. At least when they tied things up in a crappy way with the lockers in DWMC it was funny.

Also, why the fuck did their friend stay on the roof for like 2 days?? Use your phone or failing that, smash a sky light. I just had to put up with near 2 hours of unoriginal randomness and racism because you have no common sense. Prick.

At it's very best, it's humourous, however, for the majority of the film it's painfully unfunny. There's nothing original here, and it's not even like they've ripped things off and made them better.

Now they've made The Hangover 2, and I can only wish that they'd have kept the age-old morning-after promise. "We're never drinking again."