One-Eyed Monster is a comedy (I hope) horror about a penis that will literally smash your back doors in, starring none other than the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy.

It follows a film crew who go to a remote mountain cabin to shoot an adult film. Ron Jeremy gets struck by a shooting star and his penis goes rogue and starts killing people. It's basically the male version of Teeth.

It's rammed full of dick jokes, and is generally pretty funny, if only because of how unashamedly crude it can be. One high point was a Vietnam vet regaling the group with a story of how he watched a disembodied cock rape his entire platoon, and how he developed a drinking problem, not from haunting memories of burning villages or shooting children, but from blowing up said penis.

The problem is that it's very poorly written, and all of the actors are stiff (lol (and the women suck (lol))). It seems to completely forget about story aspects until it's convenient to bring them back into focus. The woman who saves the surviving group and takes the cock down spends most of the film unconscious. They're also supposedly trapped on the mountain due to a snow storm, but whenever anyone goes outside, there's little more than a bit of slush on the ground. Add to that it's full of clichés and very pre-dick-table (if you don't find that funny, don't bother with the film), and you're left with something that's kind of funny but pretty hard to watch.

I would say this is one of the better bad films I've had the misfortune to see, but unless someone comes up with a good drinking game for it, don't bother.

I've been terribly busy lately and haven't been able to make many reviews, and as a result of my lack of posts it seems the popularity of the blog has sky-rocketed, and we're now on the brink of quadruple figures. So in an attempt to save the servers from crippling under the traffic caused by my absence, I bring you this post.

I like to think of myself as a cultured yet objective film reviewer, but in actuality I'm probably just a snob, so it's both painful and cathartic to bring you this list of my top 5 guilty pleasures.

5. Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies

Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies is a film about an Indian-American and a Chinese-American who get high, get hungry, and get burgers. It's a ridiculous film but it's good for a cheap laugh, with lots of stoner jokes and Neil Patrick Harris. I think I enjoy it even more now that Kal Penn (Kumar) works for the US government. Maybe he's Obama's jester?


4. Logan's Run


Logan's Run is one of the first science fiction films ever made that I can think of, and they're still clearly working out the kinks of the genre. Everyone lives inside an enclosed world, and once you hit 30, you get to ride the carousel. The carousel murders you. But one "old" man and a pretty young girl escape into the outside world and I forget the rest but they meet a really old man and a robot and they get naked for no reason in an ice cave.

3. Zack and Miri Make A Porno

I'm pretty sure the only reason I like this film is because it's by Kevin Smith and it's an improvement on Jersey Girl. Zack and Miri is a film about two poor friends who decide to make some porn to make some money. It's pretty funny, full of sex, and is really fucking crude (see, it's infectious!(the crudeness, not the sex)).

2. American Pie 2


I actually love this film. It's got a brilliant cast, brilliant story, and some hilariously funny set-pieces. I tend to watch this when I need cheering up. Lesbians cheer me up. And Stifler. He cheers me up too. In a different way. His face cheers me up. It's like when he smiles his cheeks wrap around the back of his head. But I digress. I enjoy this film.

1. Dude, Where's My Car?


During the compiling of this guilty pleasures list, it's become apparent that I quite enjoy Seann William Scott. I'm fine with that.

Dude, Where's My Car is another stupid stoner film, but it makes me laugh to no end. It's like Airplane but justifies the silliness with marijuana. This film has it all: stoner dog, Chinese foooooooood, super hot giant alien, Jeff. You name it.

Step Brothers is a silly comedy from Adam McKay, who also brought us The Other Guys, which I really quite liked. Shame about this one.

The film stars Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as 40 year old children who become step-in-laws when their lone parents marry.

The first thing I wanted to know was why are these two so childish? They act kind of adult for the first 10 minutes, but then they become complete infants. The only very loose reason for their behaviour is given during a bit of pillow talk by the parents. Ferrell's mum says that his father left when he was young, and there was also something about singing in a talent show where people chanted mangina at him, and Reilly's dad says that because his mother died, that he now has some sense of entitlement. Both don't make much sense to me. Neither the death of your mother, nor people chanting mangina at you would make you want bunk beds.

At first, the step brothers hate each other, but this is resolved when Reilly punches Ferrall's older brother. I don't understand how this brings them together though. Sure, it might make Ferrall like Reilly more, but I was to understand that the feeling was mutual, so the resentment should still be there from Reilly.

The mum and dad characters are quite inconsistent. They switch between being pissed off at them for acting so childishly when they're 40, and playing along and threatening to ground them and even spanking them. I'm unsure if we're supposed to feel sorry for them or not.

Some of the set pieces in the film are a bit too ridiculous, such as them being bullied by a gang of kids and forced to lick dog poop. They also have a tree house. Really?? I mean, it is basically a porn archive, but still. It's like someone with OCD has grouped sources of wood.

There's a scene where Reilly is basically being raped in a public toilet, and at one point he says, with his eyes rolled back in his head "Something's going to happen!". This is weird because he clearly knows what an orgasm is since the aforementioned tree house was referred to as "a masturbation time machine". So not only are the characters in the film inexplicably childish, but they've thrown consistency to the wind in the quest for infancy as well.

The childishness reaches its lowest point during the sleepwalking scenes. These were unfunny and embarrassing to watch. They looked like they'd been infected with the holy spirit for a few minutes.

After a big blow-out with the parents, they magically grow up. This happens so quickly and easily that it almost seems like they were just acting childish for shits and giggles. And that would be paradoxical. Probably not the case in a film with a 20 second fart.

They both go and get jobs and Ferrell ends up working for his big brother. He has to organise a big event and it has to run smoothly. I did really enjoy the intentionally ambiguous nature of the event, and the way it was constantly just referred to as "The Catalina Wine Mixer", and built up to be very important for no reason. However, the farcical nature of the event detracted from some of the big and more serious plot twists that happen during it.

The resolution of the film is a bit botched. They get up on stage and sing a song and then their parents tell them they don't like them acting so adult and to be kids again. Didn't make much sense to me. Apparently the dad missed being thrown down the stairs?

Overall, the film did make me laugh. It has some very funny lines, or Ferrellisms as I like to call them, but they are mixed in with some really quite bad attempts at comedy too. Add to this the very loose premise of the film and lack of believability of the characters, and it becomes kind of obvious that this was more of a concept than a story.

It's ok, but Dumb and Dumber did it much better.