I honestly can't decide if this is a shit action film or a brilliant satire.

Sylvester Stallone brings us this cacophony of explosions and stabbing, which follows the exploits of an all-star gang of mercenaries as they shoot up the small island of Vilenia, which is suspiciously close to Burma. And this film is pretty much just Rambo with more than one Rambo.

The film starts with some terrorists beheading someone on a boat, just before our heroes turn up and shoot them all to pieces; the whole time arguing about who gets to kill who. Then it cuts to them all meeting up in a garage/tattoo shop with Micky Rourke, who comes rolling in on a motorbike with a sexy lady on the back who he doesn't even know the name of but is crazy about him. In case you haven't already noticed, this film is manly. Very manly. There's so much testosterone in this film that my balls kicked into over-drive and started melting the chair. Everybody in it is a hard man. Even the guy who checks passports looked like he was about to bite someone's nose off. Anyway, Bruce Willis shows up and Arnie shows his face in what must be the most forced cameos I've ever seen, and gives Stallone a job in Vilenia. Then Stallone and the boys go over there and kill everyone.

The dialogue in this film is terrible. It's just macho posturing. "I killed this many guys." "Yeah well I stabbed this many." "Yeah well I skullfucked this many to death with my gargantuan dick." Pretty much every exchange could have been replaced with "My penis is larger than your penis." And of course it's all delivered in deep manly tones. If (when) they ever do an American remake of Harry Potter, Sylvester Stallone should definitely be Snape.

The action scenes are very good, though the visual effects are surprisingly bad. It's also pretty funny on the whole. The trouble is that I didn't have a clue what was going on because there's hardly any plot. It's just action sequence after disconnected action sequence, with a sprinkling of soppyness every now and again to attempt to legitimise the whole affair. There are two romantic plot lines in the film, and the Stallone one is what the film is pretty much based on, and neither of these have any pay off.

The characters are never introduced to us, and we have no idea who they are or why they are together, and really why they're doing what they're doing. The only difference between the good guys and the bad guys are the groups of people that they kill. Their attitudes are almost identical. The problem is that all of these actors only look good when they're the star of the show. When you stick them all together, you dilute their machismo, and their lacklustre acting abilities shine through.

This film has a 12 foot cock; It just doesn't have enough story running through its veins to do something with it other than piss around.