Melancholia

Saturday, 31 December 2011

I'm currently under the weather, and due to this bout of man flu, I set out today in search of a film which I could relate to in my present state. Melancholia is a film about depression and the end of the world. Written and directed by Lars "Heil" Von Trier, it stars Kirsten Dunst as the young melancholic Justine. The film portrays her family life, starting with her wedding, which just happens to turn into the worst wedding ever, and it's all...
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A Christmas Carol (2009)

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Robert Zemeckis brings us this animated re-imagining of the classic Dickens tale of Ebenezer Scrooge and poor crippled Tiny Tim. With an all-star cast including Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman, Colin Firth, and Bob Hoskins, we should all be in for a delightful Christmas treat, right? Set in 19th century London, Scrooge is a tight-fisted penny-pincher with no interest in Christmas. I know what you're thinking. No, he's not Jewish. One Christmas Eve, he's...
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The Inbetweeners Movie

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

The Inbetweeners Movie picks up where the ever-so-popular TV series, coincidently also named The Inbetweeners, left off. Our fateful foursome take a lads holiday to Malia, where they hope to get their hands on some boobs, sex, pussay, and clunge. Let me start off by saying the screen I watched this at was attrocious. There was a weird buzzing sound throughout and it was full of the most disrespectful pieces of shit you could ever hope to come...
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Top 5 Sorry Excuses For Horror Films

Thursday, 21 July 2011

I begrudge calling this list a top 5 because it's really a list of some of the worst films I've ever seen in my life; most of which don't deserve to be top of anything. Alas, some people enjoy watching bad films just to laugh at how bad they are. Those people should stop just before the top 2 though. At that point, the peculiar people with a love for extreme gore will take over and get their sick kicks. 5. Mexican Werewolf In Texas (2005) Where...
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The Tree of Life

Thursday, 14 July 2011

The Tree of Life, starring, most notably, Brad Pitt and Sean Penn, won the Palm d'Or this year, and tells the story of a boy's relationship with his father. The most succinct way of summing up this film is as follows: A brilliantly realistic, emotional story about a young boy growing up with his father, bookended with pretentious nonsense. The first half an hour of this film is a convoluted mess that's supposed to represent the start of the...
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Machete

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Machete is a film by Robert Rodriguez, the man who brought us such things as Spy Kids and the trailer for Machete, about a pissed off Mexican going on a vindictive rampage using 3 weapons in particular: a machete, a machine gun, and his penis. Machete is an ex-federale (That's Mexican for policeman) who gets hired to assassinate a governmental candidate, only to be double-crossed and framed. He then goes and kills everyone. A bit of background...
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Happiness

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Never has a title been more misleading. Happiness is a black comedy which revels in making light of the most lurid aspects of society. This is the darkest kind of humour. If you're laughing at anything darker than this, there's a reason you have no friends. The film follows a variety of messed up characters, all of whom are connected in some way, as they face a crisis of sorts in their life. It takes place in a kind of psuedo-world where people...
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Top 5 Comedy Shows You've Probably Never Seen

Sunday, 26 June 2011

The summer is upon us, and with it comes months and months of boredom. Here's a list of shows which you can "acquire" to try and kill some time until your life starts again. 5. Testees If you love over-the-top gross-out humour, you'll love this gem of a show. Tragically cancelled after it's first season, the show follows the lives of two friends who make a living from medical testing; often (coincidentally once an episode) with hilarious side-effects. 4....
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Haggard

Friday, 24 June 2011

In light of the tragic loss of Ryan Dunn, I've decided to review this; one of the only proper films he's actually been in. However, like other film reviewers, I won't be going easy due to the circumstances. Roger Ebert. Prick. Oh, I forgot to cough. Would you look at that. Haggard stars Ryan Dunn aka Random Hero, Bam Margera, and pretty much everyone else involved in CKY, and was directed by Bam. It follows the supposedly true story of Dunn trying...
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Sucker Punch: A Demographical Review

Monday, 20 June 2011

Before I begin, I'd just like to apologise in advance if this review isn't up to the usual standard. I'm writing this just after watching the film and the will to live hasn't returned yet. Sucker Punch is the story of a young girl who's framed for the murder of her sister by her step-dad and sent to a mental institution, which she decides she has to escape from, along with the other girls there, by exploring video-game-like fantasies. Critic:...
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Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides follows the nation's favourite fancy dress costume, Jack Sparrow, on a convoluted journey to find the fountain of youth. I would try and summarise the story for you but I don't have a clue what happened around 2/3 of the way through. There's so much cutting between locations and changing allegiances, and especially because the film basically follows 4 different groups at the same time, that I genuinely...
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Jackass 3.5: A Demographical Review

Thursday, 16 June 2011

  In the interests of respecting the diversity of the audience, this review of Jackass 3.5 will work as follows. I'll offer up my thoughts on the film from the perspective of a film critic. This will then be followed by a variety of summations specifically catered to particular groups within society. It is in this way that I hope I can bring the population closer together and heal the problems of the world. I have extremely high hopes for...
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Up

Monday, 13 June 2011

Up is an animated flick from the fine folks at Pixar, about a senile old man who accidentally kidnaps a young boy as he flies his house to South America. The film does not mess about, and chucks you right in at the deep end, to the point where I would say that it moves too quickly. This continues throughout most of the film, with things seemingly happening far too easily, and lots of happy coincidences. If you imagine a film with nice pacing...
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X-Men: First Class

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Finally got my bum down to the cinema again and decided to check out the latest X-Men offering. This was a decision that I wouldn't say I regret, but only because I got to visit McDonald's while I was out. X-Men: First Class is a prequel to the series, showing the development of the relationship between Magneto and Professor Xavier, framed around the Cold War. At least that's what it's supposed to be about. It's actually about nothing. The plot...
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One-Eyed Monster

One-Eyed Monster is a comedy (I hope) horror about a penis that will literally smash your back doors in, starring none other than the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy. It follows a film crew who go to a remote mountain cabin to shoot an adult film. Ron Jeremy gets struck by a shooting star and his penis goes rogue and starts killing people. It's basically the male version of Teeth. It's rammed full of dick jokes, and is generally pretty funny,...
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Suspiria

Friday, 3 June 2011

Suspiria is a film by the man many call the master of horror; Dario Argento; though I don't quite understand how since this film makes less sense than the Elephant Man's face. It follows the story of a young American girl who moves to Germany to attend a well renowned dance school. There she finds that people are randomly dying, and it definitely has nothing to do with cucumbers. The film is very aesthetically pleasing; with a very interesting...
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The Hangover

Thursday, 2 June 2011

The Hangover is basically what would have happened if Judd Apatow made Dude, Where's My Car?, sprinkled with little bits of Harold and Kumar. The similarities between this and Dude, Where's My Car are so great that Danny Leiner probably refers to this film as "Dude, Where's My Royalties?", and the frequency I'm going to mention it during this review merits an acronym. The Hangover is about a group of friends who go for a stag night in Las Vegas,...
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Top 5 Guilty Pleasures

Friday, 27 May 2011

I've been terribly busy lately and haven't been able to make many reviews, and as a result of my lack of posts it seems the popularity of the blog has sky-rocketed, and we're now on the brink of quadruple figures. So in an attempt to save the servers from crippling under the traffic caused by my absence, I bring you this post. I like to think of myself as a cultured yet objective film reviewer, but in actuality I'm probably just a snob, so it's...
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Little Miss Sunshine

Monday, 23 May 2011

Little Miss Sunshine is a feel good film that's actually about feeling good, instead of it being a by-product of someone we like getting laid. It follows a family of assorted insecure people who each deal with it in their own way, taking their daughter/sister/niece/granddaughter on a road trip to take part in a beauty pageant. The little girl Olive is absolutely adorable, and is a naive young lady who's being guided through life by her family...
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Donnie Darko

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Donnie Darko is a film about abstract things that neither I, nor the people who made the film, could get their head around. Starring a very young Jake Gyllenhaal as a disturbed lad, it explores themes like time travel and fate and mental illness, and seems to find itself at a dead end in every case. The film begins with Donnie waking up in the middle of a road, and when he gets home he finds that a plane engine came out of nowhere and fell through...
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The Expendables

Saturday, 14 May 2011

I honestly can't decide if this is a shit action film or a brilliant satire. Sylvester Stallone brings us this cacophony of explosions and stabbing, which follows the exploits of an all-star gang of mercenaries as they shoot up the small island of Vilenia, which is suspiciously close to Burma. And this film is pretty much just Rambo with more than one Rambo. The film starts with some terrorists beheading someone on a boat, just before our heroes...
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The Notebook

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

If this film is anything to go off, follow these easy steps to make a girl fall in love with you: 1. Threaten to kill yourself until she agrees to go out with you 2. Play chicken in the road with her 3. Take her to an isolated, derelict house and have your way with her. 4. ??? 5. Profit The Notebook is a typical chick-flick, even down to starring Rachel McAdams, who's in so many of these films now that I feel like I'm supposed to cry when she...
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Top 5 Scary Films You've Probably Never Seen

Sunday, 8 May 2011

In celebration of the blog hitting 420 views (I make my own milestones), I've decided to do this list of scary films not many people will have heard of. The list begins gently with a film that'll make you ruin a few pairs of pants, and ends with a film that will make life not seem worth the effort it takes to breathe. 5. [REC] 2007 This is a film a lot of you may already be familiar with, and are probably now feeling misled as to the obscure...
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Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is a film based on a series of comic books, and this seizure-inducing 2 hours is what happens when Edgar Wright tries to do too much at once. Scott Pilgrim is a lad in a band and he falls for a girl called Ramona. Apparently she has 7 evil exs; all of whom need to be defeated if he wants to be with her. Don't ask. Being a film from Edgar Wright, it's a very sleek and stylish affair, with an aesthetic heavily inspired...
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Audition

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Audition is a film best summed up with the timeless words of Haddaway. What is love? Baby don't hurt me. This film is by Japan's finest Takashi Miike, who also brought us Ichi the Killer, among many others, and is a psychological horror about a TV executive who's looking for a new wife. While doing some auditions for a film, he becomes entangled with a peculiar young lady. This is a decision he will later regret. Definitely. The film begins...
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Step Brothers

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Step Brothers is a silly comedy from Adam McKay, who also brought us The Other Guys, which I really quite liked. Shame about this one. The film stars Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as 40 year old children who become step-in-laws when their lone parents marry. The first thing I wanted to know was why are these two so childish? They act kind of adult for the first 10 minutes, but then they become complete infants. The only very loose reason for...
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Pearl Harbor

Pearl Harbor is a film about a truly pathetic love triangle. And nothing else. If you like soppy, on-the-nose dialogue being given a false sense of significance thanks to a near constant orchestral soundtrack and tight camera angles, go kill yourself. But coincidentally, that's what this film is full of. The film is about two best friends who are also pilots in the army during World War II, and they both love the same girl. One of them falls...
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